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Monday, March 31, 2014

We forgive because He forgave us.

If you had asked me 2 years ago, I would have told you I considered myself a forgiving person. I had never had difficulty in that area of my relationships with people. Lots happened that aggravated me or frustrated me or even hurt me, but I always could just let go and move on with life. I was also never very good at remembering people's slights against me, this came in handy with the forgiving bit, if I couldn't remember than I had gotten over it and forgiven them!  However, that was before God showed me what true forgiveness took and how long and difficult that road can really be. I had this friend you see that for whatever the reason made a choice that effected our little group of friends. Now because of the fact that I am speaking of God's dealings with me in this matter and how He has brought me through it, no names or even the scenario will be talked about, that is not the purpose of this. The point is that I had let someone in and trusted them and then everything got turned around and blew up. I figured out very quickly that I had no idea what forgiveness was or how to even go about giving it. I had been extremely sheltered in this department due to the fact that I was in my 20's and was having panic attacks because I had no idea how to deal with this, that was weird right? I would break down and just cry and feel weak and helpless and when I encountered this person in public, if will power could have created it, I would have turned invisible. However, over a couple of months, my weakness rapidly turned to hatred and bitterness. This slithering, sneaky, wretch of a thing had awoken inside of me and I enjoyed the power I thought it gave me. I thought I was the powerful one now and my thoughts turned to how I would show this person EXACTLY what they had done to me, after all it was what they deserved....looking back that was a scary place and not one I want to go back too. It was at this point that God started to show me exactly what it costs to forgive someone horrible and black hearted, a person who is devious and sinful and would throw you to the sharks on a whim because it seemed fun...what it cost to forgive me. You see we never see ourselves as this horrible person, the person who hurt us "how could they be so awful?". We are that person, and what is cost God to forgive us, is the price of forgiveness for all of us.  
"I have been crucified with Christ who lives. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me..." Galatians 2.20
God's timing is infinity perfect, always. It is never early or late, or screeching in on 2 wheels because it made it just in the nick of time. Everything that happens to us has been filtered through His hand centuries past, so it comes to us for our sanctification and His glory. Chris and I had been dating maybe a year 1/2, enough time so that we were comfortable with each other and knew each other well enough that things couldn't just sneak past. Which brings me to the next part of this story;
The Intervention.
Even though I was sure I was better than James Bond himself at keeping this secret, the love of this strong man and the Spirit moving inside both of us told him something wasn't right about his girl, and he started to dig. The digging awakened the brother of my snarling friend; defensiveness. I assured him that all was well and I was over it and moving on with life. However, he didn't buy it and kept digging. That was when the real work started. After months of building anger and bitterness, feeding it, letting it fester and infect me, the weed wasn't going to come easily.  Through prayer and hours and hours of tears, rantings, and more defensiveness. He finally broke through my wall and I realized that I had not at all forgiven this person, I merely buried it and called the job done. Chris quoted verse after verse, at first it stung so I did not want to hear it, but after a while it became balm that protected and soothed the aches I had been letting go far too long. 
"Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matt 11:28 
There were lots of other people that talked and walked me through this time as well; parents, friends, co-workers. They were all there, encouraging me, loving on me, just being there with laughter and warm hugs. Looking back, the struggle seems so far away and fuzzy. It couldn't have been that bad...oh but it was. I imagine that is the grace of God that when we look back the pain is still there, no, He doesn't take it away, but we look back through rose colored glasses seeing the good work He has done through us and how far we have come. 
Having realized I needed to work on some things in my life, where was I to look for examples of forgiveness? I am ashamed to say it took me a lot longer than it should have to go to God's word. But when I did, oh the treasure it was; a convicting, heavy treasure, but filled with gold nonetheless. 
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 
The picture that God was drawing for me was still not complete and it has taken me a long time to put the pieces together, but because I had confessed openly that I was struggling with this, I could now approach the throne of Christ and work through this with prayer. I love this verse, telling me that no matter what the issue I needed to go to the throne in prayer and the promise is that I will receive grace and mercy to help my need. But grace and mercy for what? Surely God doesn't lavish the great gifts upon me for me to hoard and keep. Can you even hoard grace? I didn't realize it yet, but Christ was giving me grace and mercy for my need...MY NEED. So that my cup of hurt could be filled and in return I could give grace and mercy to that person, because I NEEDED TO. But there is more to the lesson. I love the way C.S. Lewis puts it;
"To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." 
Christ forgives so that we in turn as children forgive. We have to, it is a non-negotiable requirement for the children of the King. I don't look at myself as a horrible person, non of us do, but Christ didn't forgive the good things, the easy to forget things, the "well she is only human" things about us. He forgave the unforgivable in all of us...the things we don't want any one else to find out about us cause we might lose all our friends, that is the the depth of Christ's forgiveness. Knowing that, knowing what Christ has done for me and all believers, how could I not forgive? The power to forgive is the the power to give away what you feel is rightfully yours. Another word for forgiveness is pardon. I had to let go of the hope that other person would suddenly realize the pain they caused and show up crying, begging for forgiveness. I had to let go of the wish that they would know what they did to me. The power of forgiving is a great power that we as believers hold within due to the spirit within us, it is not of ourselves. However the power of forgiving someone who has not asked for it or doesn't think they need it is even greater.
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6  
The promise is that Christ knows how difficult is it. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." Hebrews 4:15. This is a promise that tells me know matter how difficult that trial is, no matter how hot the fires of sanctification burn, he will be there to continue working on me till he returns. Christ is not going to give up on me, or my need to forgive and my failure when I can't. The promise is that one day I will forgive that person. I know in my heart that I have forgiven that person. However there are always days of weakness because as we all know sin leaves a mark, and that scar still burns from time to time, rearing its ugly head, threatening to roar to life and ruin all that Christ had done in me. But our Savior did not leave us without encouragement for every circumstance.
"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved son, in whom we have redemption the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13 
I have been delivered from the domain of darkness, therefore what used to hold me captive I am slave to it no more. I have a way out, a path of redemption. I am now a slave to Christ and his will for my life. Which is to: "Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse." Romans 12:14. Which brings me to my next point.
What I still need help on. 
I would love to sit here and tell you that the case is closed, the rat has been dealt with and the house is all clear. However, since I am still a sinful creature by nature and have to fight against that on a moment to moment basis, that is not the case. I still struggle with the snarling monster that wants to find fault where there is none. The bitterness sneaks up from time to time and that is something I know I need to work on. So I ask you, my sisters in Christ to challenge me and keep me accountable to this, that I would remain pure in heart towards this person and would not look for ghosts that are not there. 
"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them." Eph 5:8-11 
I wish I could give you the key and say I have all the answers but I don't. However, through prayer and encouragement from the saints I know that Christ is not done with me yet, and that is a huge comfort.
Forgiveness:
It’s the hardest thing to give away

And the last thing on your mind today

It always goes to those who don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel

When the pain they caused is just too real

Takes everything you have to say the word
Forgiveness

It’s always angers own worst enemy

Even when the jury and the judge

Say you’ve got a right to hold a grudge

It’s the whisper in your ear saying, “set it free”
Forgiveness

Lord, show me how to love the unlovable

Teach me how to reach the unreachable

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It can clear the bitterness away

It can even set a prisoner free

There is no end to what its power can do
So, let it go and be amazed

By what you see through eyes of Grace

The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness
-Nicole

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