He > Me

I’d like to think that I’m a nice person and relatively easy to get along with.  I’d like to . . . but I can't.  Deep down, I know better.  It took getting married to really confront me with this truth.  When Tyler and I were engaged, I foolishly thought that it would be easy to die to myself and my wants for Tyler.  After all, I love him SO much.  Then one day a few months into our marriage, it hit me . . . I do love Tyler, but I love me more.  If I am not living in complete dependence on the power of the Holy Spirit, I will always seek to put myself first and see myself as the center of all things.

In my sinful flesh, I carry this same “me first” mentality into all of my relationships.  Sadly, I often find myself doing this with the Lord as well.  Thankfully, God graciously chastens me and reveals this pattern in my heart. 

Just a few days ago, I found myself facing the consequences of my selfishness -- dashed expectations, unkind words, and hurt feelings of those I claim to love -- just to name a few.  While I sat stewing, sorrowful and frustrated by the repercussions of my sin, the Holy Spirit quietly spoke to my heart saying, “Don’t be like Esau.”

I remembered Hebrews 12:17 that gives this caution.  “For you know that afterward, when [Esau] desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.” Esau had sorrow for his sin.  But his brokenness had nothing to do with offending a holy and righteous God.  He was only concerned with  the results of his sin - the loss of his birthright. 

I realized that all too often when I sin, my focus in repentance is not where it should be.  I am sorrowful.  I’m saddened that I’ve caused hurt in a relationship.  I’m embarrassed that I’ve been caught in sin by someone I respect.  I’m frustrated by the results of my sin.  However, in all of this, I am limiting my view of my sin and its effects to the wrong person . . . me. My foremost thought is not on how God sees my sin.  I don’t think about how it offends Him or that my sin (whatever it may be) is primarily done against a holy, pure, and righteous God.  I fail to view my sin from a divine perspective. 

Understanding this was so crucial because not only did it help me to make things right with the person I hurt, it also compelled me to confess my sin to the Lord and thank Him for His graciousness, patience, and forgiveness.  I was able to find great encouragement in the midst of everything because I knew the Lord was chastening me, His child.  I belong to Him!  He set His love on me and saved me in order that I “should be holy and blameless before Him” (Ephesians 1:4).  In His love, He reproves me, exposing my sin against others and most importantly against Him. 

In the last few days, I’ve been prompted to continue to ask myself, “How does God view this? What does He think of my choices, my words, my thoughts, my actions?” I’m so grateful that the Lord rescues us from a “me first” mentality and a self-centered existence.  His thoughts, His words, and His truth are what really matter.  He is the center of everything!  Please pray for me that I would continue to live in light of this and pursue holiness as Christ desires me to!  ". . . that in all things, HE might be preeminent." Colossians 1:18