I'm going to be really transparent here, friends. What the Lord is currently teaching me is something that I have struggled off and on with my whole life. The struggle has come and gone...and then come back again. Sometimes we don't realize how deep rooted our struggles are, and most of the time (at least for me) I realize how many excuses I have made for myself instead of calling it what it really is.
What I struggle with the world may call "low self-esteem" or an "unhealthy body image"...but I have come to realize that the root of my struggle in this area is an ugly mixture of self-centeredness, envy and lack of self-control.
Growing up, I was pretty quiet. And awkward. I had big, round purple glasses and some weird version of a bowl cut. I lived in Lala land - I would make up songs and talk to my imaginary friends, all while wearing dress up clothes. My mom hilariously told me recently that she would sometimes be concerned, wondering if I was the kid that would just grow old living with my parents. BaHA! Looking back though, I really didn't care. I was happy and my world consisted of my loving, wonderful family and church.
Fast-forward a few years and the great Trial that we all experience found me (aka puberty) and I was all of the sudden aware of my awkwardness. Which made it even more awkward. I found myself comparing my personality with others, noticing that some people got more attention and/or compliments than others. I tried to mimic what the "cool" people did and said, but it always ended up not like I had planned. I think most of the time I just came across as mean when I was just trying to be cute and sassy, darn it. Basically it was a fail.
In September of 2001 the Lord broke me of my sin. I had known Truth my whole life, but it had never taken a hold of me and brought me to my knees. I still tear up thinking of the freedom that I felt, the freedom that I had so longed for but didn't know that I did. I soaked up the Word like a sponge; I couldn't get enough. And you know what happened? I came to the amazing yet simple realization that God made me for a purpose, making me and preparing me for a life that He only knew. I all of the sudden felt happy to be me...not because I realized how wonderful I was, but because I had been hit over the head at how wonderful He is. I forgot about myself and marveled at His kindness toward me. That's when I really came out of my "shell" - this is the Lauren that you know now. People usually don't believe me when I try to explain that I used to be super shy and awkward. :)
Oh, but how life continues on and the trials and realities hit and I was tested. My struggles came and went, but recently I see the Lord opening my eyes to my big envy problem. I envy a body type that I don't have, I envy girls who are super athletic (I'd much rather be singing or talking or reading a book, lets just be real), I envy people who can seemingly eat whatever they want and still maintain a small waistline. And now that I am a mom, I envy women who don't have crazy stretch marks or can button their pre-pregnancy jeans. Ladies, no matter where you are in life, no matter what you do, there is always going to be a better looking, more fit, more beautiful person that you. It's just the reality of it. I have spent way too much time and way too much energy exercising or eating right just out of desire to look like other people that I think is the ideal. And you know what? I fall flat on my face every time.
It wasn't until this past week that the light-bulb came on for me. I realized that I have been envying what is not mine, which is basically saying to God, "why have you made me this way?" instead of thanking him for a healthy body and having the ability to care for it as the temple of His Spirit. You see, I am not going to stop exercising or trying to get more healthy, but what I am going to stop is the sin of envy. I am going to stop my up and down eating/exercise habits and walk in self-control. You see, as God's child I have been given everything I need to live a life of godliness. Self-control and contentment come from the Lord, and since He has opened my eyes to His Truth I have the power and ability to change my ways. Isn't God good!? It's nothing that I have done, it's all of Him!
Some of you might not struggle with the same struggles that I have shared here, but what is your struggle? Do you keep falling and finding yourself in a vicious cycle of ups and downs? You don't have to live like that! Are you in the Word consistently? Are you in prayer consistently? Are you seeking fellowship with the Church? Are you pouring yourself out and investing in others? See, God has done everything for us. The grace is there, the power is there...now walk in obedience.
I love you all so much!
- Lauren
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