I didn't know that I was until recently. In fact I always considered myself pretty laid back. It never occurred to me that my life would look this different at this point in my life. I had my world surrounded by a nice white picket fence, what I didn't realize is that there was a sin lying dormant under the surface that was about to rear its ugly head. It was awakened with the realization that my world was not mine to shape.
God was working in my life and he was not going to allow this sin to remain unexposed. He was going to bring me to his feet in a very real and painful way. I look back at the past year and wish that it hadn't happened the way it did. I wish that I could have learned this lesson without experiencing the loss. But in another way I couldn't be more grateful. I am closer to God and I have been showered with more grace and peace than I ever thought possible. Those trials have brought me into further sanctification, and deepened my dependance on and love for Christ. I now stand stronger and give all the glory to him. The strength and hope that God gives is now very real in my life, where it wasn't before, I rely on it hourly to get me through the day. I now have a testimony that I can share with others that they might be encouraged and seeds of faith might be planted.
I can look back to this time last year when I was sitting on my bed staring at a positive pregnancy test, excitement and anticipation dancing inside me. I can sings songs of praise that God planted that seed of life inside me at the exact moment it needed to be. And on June 8th as I laid in my bed and wept after reading the text telling me that my grandmother had gone home to be with the Lord a short 10 days after learning that she had leukemia. I cried for the loss of her prescience in my life, knowing she never would get to hear my wonderful news. God was there however, with his mighty, sovereign, loving hand directing the events in my life. Romans 5:3-5 says "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." My hope was my belief that this was for my good and God's glory. This truth was brought to my remembrance through the holy spirit, and I found unexpectedly that I could rejoice through the pain knowing this was from God's hand.
Trials are put in our paths to test us, to bring out sin and expose it to us. Trails bring us closer to God by means of prayer and sanctification. They are difficult to walk to walk through, impossible without Christ. They cause friction in our lives and are painful. But the eternal benefits are immeasurable and knowing that they come to us from God gives us strength and peace. Charles Spurgeon said; "It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by his hand, that my trials were never measured out by him, nor sent to me by his arrangement of their weight and quantity."
This trial served its purpose and brought to light a beast that I didn't know even existed; the desire to control things I could not and the paralyzing fear that followed knowing something else precious could be taken from me. Horrible scenes would play out in my head that I could not stop of car accidents, miscarrying my baby, and police shootings all taking someone from me that I held dear. They were random in occurrence, and although not completely debilitating, they had a crippling effect nonetheless. The sin was there and I was not dealing with it appropriately. The more I ignored it and tried to deal with the fear on my own the stronger it became. James 1:2-4 states; "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing." I realize now that I was not humbling myself and giving in to what God was working in my life. I was not "letting steadfastness have its full effect", meaning I was not letting endurance, perseverance, and the pursuing of God and his truths take hold in my heart. I thought that I knew who should stay and who should go, and when it would be best for those things to happen. But God in his infinite wisdom, kindness and mercy did not let me remain in my sin. He pressed harder, put on more pressure and made the flames hotter so that the dross would float to the surface. He was refining his child so that one day I will be pure and without blemish. As Job 23:10 states; "But he knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold." He wants me to be as gold that shines and points others to the refiner and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). In 1 Peter 1:6-7 it says; "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." This verse tells us the reason for our trials; praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Christ. Trials are to reveal more and more of Christ to us, what a gift!!
I though the hard times were over and our family tried to settle into the new normal. I became complacent, never suspecting there was more to come. The second trial came without notice and was far more painful than the first. On October 6th 2014 I lost the man who had shaped my entire world for my entire life to date. It was a Monday and I will never forget standing in the ICU thinking all my dad had was pneomonia and then hearing the Dr tell us that he had become unresponsive and his heart had stopped beating. How do you live without someone who has always been there? There are no words, its a grief that brought me to my knees with the weight of it. But in that moment of unbearable grief God was never more real in my life.
Verses I had believed on faith and thought I had experienced became encouragements that got me through the intense moments of heartache. They became more real to me than ever before. Philippians 4:12-13 Paul tells us; "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned to secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." This verse is not about winning football games or FCA and YEC retreats. Its saying that I can carry on, honor God, still exhibit the fruits of the spirit, all the things HE ASKS OF ME because Christ is the one giving me the strength to do God's will. I stand amazed at my heavenly father, that he would lavish such gifts of grace and mercy on me. I had lost someone dear to me and yet I had this little life growing inside me. I was struck with the strength of God's grace like never before. I will never forget the first time I felt her move was at my dad's visitation. To me that is a perfect picture of Job 1:21 "and he said "naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
The beastly sin of my need to control things would not die easily though. I am ashamed to say it took hold of my thoughts. I was captive to the fear and panic it produced in me. On the outside I was strong and calm. I carried on with daily life, but on the inside I was a total disaster. I was not without hope, however, Christ was faithful to provide a way out of the temptation and way into peace of mind with him.
It has been 7 months since I lost my dad. And I am just now coming out if that controlling fear and panic. The grip it had on me was strong. I would end up on my knees weeping and shaking chanting scripture over and over again till it passed. I could blame it on hormones or postpartum symptoms, and I do struggle with those things. But the key to overcoming it is calling what it really is; sin. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 encourages us; "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body of death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." What a promise!! There is peace knowing that nothing comes to me except what passes through God's hands. My responsibility in that promise is to obey Ephesians 5:15-16 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as the unwise but as wise, making the best use of time, because the days are evil."
I still struggle with this issue of control over my circumstances and I ask for prayers and accountability in this area of my life. But the eternal treasures I have gained far outweigh this earthly pain. I will see my dad and grandmother again one day, but until then I rest on the unchanging grace and love of my heavenly father.
"Be Still My Soul"
Be still my soul; the Lord is on thy side
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
leave to thy God to order and provide
in every change He faithful will remain
be still my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end
Be still my soul, though dearest friends depart
and all is darkened in the vale of tears
then shalt thou better know His love, His heart
who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears
be still my soul, thy Jesus can repay
from His own fullness all He takes away.
